


Dead Rabbit: Do Not Eat

by Mraowface, Valvopus



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Actual Rabbits Not the Sex Toy, Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Fluff and Humor, No Angst, Post-Canon, Rabbits, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), They're the fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:15:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27139945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mraowface/pseuds/Mraowface, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valvopus/pseuds/Valvopus
Summary: Aziraphale doesn't want Crowley to be upset that his pet rabbit died. Although why Crowley would have a pet rabbit and completely deny it is a complete mystery.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 33





	1. Ta-Da!

Aziraphale hesitated slightly at the door to Crowley’s flat. He hadn’t _technically_ been invited, although that had never stopped Crowley arriving at the bookshop at all hours. He had only been inside a handful of times, mostly to remind Crowley they had plans and could he please not nap through them just because it was raining earlier in the week. Today, Aziraphale had taken the initiative and arrived several hours before Crowley was supposed to be picking Aziraphale up from the bookshop for a weekend in Tadfield. The door opened before he had a chance to knock,[1] which left Aziraphale to step inside and see if Crowley had managed to sleep through his alarm again.

Quiet hisses exhales floated through the apartment, which Aziraphale had sworn never to mention to Crowley lest the demon take issue with how adorable Aziraphale found the snake-like snores. Aziraphale took a few minutes to admire some of the more terrified plants, one had been shaking so hard it dropped a leaf.[2] The beautiful glossy leaves and vivid flowers Crowley’s particular approach to horticulture achieved weren’t debateable, but Aziraphale always felt some gentle encouragement would go a long way to reducing the spine-crushing terror the entire plant room seemed to emit.

Aziraphale didn’t creep through Crowley’s flat. He merely walked very quietly to not disturb Crowley. It was completely incidental that this allowed him to get close enough to hear Crowley hissing to himself.

“Ssss not wine. Sssss not.” Aziraphale definitely did not pause outside Crowley’s bedroom door to hear more.

“Ossssstrichsss,” If Aziraphale opened the door slightly – to enter and wake Crowley, not for any other reason – he could see reflected in the mirror the tips of Crowley’s forked tongue as he hissed through whatever he was dreaming about.

Whatever Aziraphale was not going to do next came to an abrupt halt as his eyes focused on a white fluffy ball next to Crowley’s kitchen sink.

Closer inspection,[3] revealed that the fluff was a rabbit. A rather cold, dead rabbit. Aziraphale petted it fondly, he didn’t remember Crowley mentioning a pet rabbit. This one was obviously cared for in life though, it was certainly one of the larger rabbits he’d seen. Crowley had probably named it something cool, but Aziraphale felt it looked like a Herbert. Aziraphale picked it up, and headed through the flat looking for where it had been kept, it seemed wrong to leave it on a kitchen counter. Not that Herbert would have needed an enclosure, some of the plants in the flat were surely edible.[4]

Aziraphale set the rabbit onto the sofa while he worked out how to proceed. Crowley was going to be devastated. He’d clearly cared for the rabbit, even trusting it not to destroy his plants. To wake up and find his beloved pet was dead would be heart-breaking. Even if he had left it alone for several days while he slept, Aziraphale wasn’t too sure on the finer points of pet care, but surely Crowley wouldn’t have left it without supplies. It must have been a tragic case of natural causes, rabbits didn't seem to live very long. Aziraphale glanced back to the bedroom where the hisses had given way to the sound of a phone alarm blaring,[5] he didn’t have much time.

“Angel,” Crowley trailed from the bedroom to the coffee machine, feet sliding along the floor on the bottom of silk pyjamas. He didn’t seem particularly surprised by Aziraphale’s presence, although he wasn’t exactly awake.

“Good afternoon my dear did you have a good nap?” Crowley yawned in response. Then took a few seconds to realise he had unhinged his jaw in doing so. Aziraphale definitely did not ponder the possible benefits of that ability.

“Yep, did I forget something?”

“Oh no, I just thought given last month’s opera trip was postponed while you woke up,”

“I set an,” Crowley trailed off as his looked past Aziraphale towards his sofa. “Aziraphale, why the fuck is there a rabbit in my flat?” Aziraphale glanced behind him, Crowley’s pet rabbit had left the sofa and was heading towards the plant room.

“I didn’t know you had a pet, my dear. I would have watched him while you had a nap. What’s his name?” Crowley glanced from Aziraphale to the rabbit, Herbert, and back. After a glance across the kitchen, he blushed and headed back to his bedroom.

“Not mine. Must have got in through the vents or something.” Aziraphale looked at the rabbit. It didn’t seem to be capable of scaling a block of flats and getting past demonic wards. Rabbits weren’t known for their climbing abilities.

“Are you sure? I don’t see how it could have got in.” Aziraphale wasn’t sure why Crowley was embarrassed to have a pet rabbit. Plenty of people had pets. Aziraphale himself had kept cats, or at least, fed cats on occasion over the centuries.[6]

“Angel, I am sure I do not have a pet rabbit.” Aziraphale looked between Crowley and the rabbit. Crowley had a rabbit in his flat. Aziraphale had not brought Herbert with him, he’d remember. And probably be covered in rabbit hair. For whatever reason, now Aziraphale knew about the rabbit, Crowley wanted nothing to do with it. Which sat very firmly in Aziraphale’s mind as _odd_.

“Well, I guess I will look after it while we work out where it came from. I’m sure Herbert will enjoy learning a few magic tricks in the meanwhile.”

* * *

[1] Aziraphale refused to use the ridiculous doorbell ever since it had hissed at him several months earlier.

[2] Needless to say, knowledge of the punishment the dropped leaf would incur had done nothing to help with the shaking.

[3] Which sadly called an end to Aziraphale’s hissed-dream interpretation plans,

[4] They were. Edible and not poisonous are different categories.

[5] And abruptly ending as it thudded against the wall. It wasn’t damaged in any way but it knew that if it wanted to stay undamaged it needed to stop making noises.

[6] Cat ownership and pet ownership are inherently different.


	2. Too Many Bunnies

Aziraphale didn’t particularly consider Herbert again after finding out that the rabbit was in fact so well fed it didn’t fit inside a top hat. The trip to Tadfield had been delayed slightly while Aziraphale found a lovely young lady to adopt the rabbit. Crowley continued to deny owning it, or even knowing how it came to be in his flat. The entire affair would hardly have been worth noting if that weekend they hadn’t also got fantastically drunk and ended up kissing.

Their relationship had, to Aziraphale’s delight, and presumably Crowley’s too, progressed rather quickly after the business with Armageddon was sorted. They had even moved in together, which mostly meant Crowley had brought his bed,[1] television, laptop, and some questionable art to the flat above the bookshop while they hunted for a place that would fit all of Aziraphale’s books. The plants had found homes amongst the bookshelves, handily obscuring a large number of the books from any errant customers.

Then there was The Freezer.

Aziraphale hadn’t been concerned in the slightest that Crowley wanted to bring his belongings into the flat, or the bookshop. He did question if some of the statues were quite as tasteful as Crowley insisted they were,[2] but he was more than happy for Crowley to make the space his as much as it was Aziraphale’s. In fact, the only thing Aziraphale had questioned was the need for such a large chest freezer when neither of them cooked and only one of them ate.

Crowley had been very unwilling to explain the need for the freezer. Or let Aziraphale see inside it. He’d tried, rather unsuccessfully, to claim it was to put his espresso machine on. When Aziraphale countered this, by putting the machine on a counter, Crowley slid the freezer into the corner and covered it with a tablecloth. After several similar attempts at a discussion, and terrible attempts at hiding it,[3] Crowley had admitted it was a demon thing and he didn’t want to explain.

Aziraphale wasn’t sure why demons would need freezers, presumably something to do with the old adage of Hell freezing over. Crowley had refused to confirm the thought, but he did do something extremely distracting with his tongue and the discussion was forgotten.[4] Crowley’s freezer, essential as it was, sat wedged in the small kitchen and remained closed.

Freezer barely thought of, the Sun eventually made an attempt to provide Summer to London. Which put Aziraphale in the mood for all manner of frozen desserts. Crowley was, as always, more than happy to provide these along with enough intent that they didn’t dare melt. Aziraphale had been doing the same for almost a week before he remembered the freezer.[5]

Whatever demonic purpose the freezer served; it could surely also hold a few items of food. They were supposed to be avoiding too many frivolous miracles anyway. Which was how Aziraphale found himself moving the espresso machine back to the counter and opening the freezer. He dropped the ice-cream.

“Herbert!”

There were rabbits. White fluffy rabbits. How many dead frozen rabbits could Crowley possibly need? Aziraphale picked one up, nothing particularly demonic about it. Aziraphale thought back to his discovery of the rabbit in Crowley’s flat. Perhaps he had assumed Crowley was more competent at pet care than was strictly accurate. A decent nap by Crowley’s standards was longer than most pets could be left unsupervised. Rabbits weren’t the sturdiest of pets anyway, one freezer of them wouldn’t have been particularly difficult to acquire even within a human lifetime.

Would Herbert have been added to the freezer if Crowley had found him dead? Just how many pet rabbits had Crowley cared for over the years? The emotional toll of so many dying must have been awful. Crowley had gone through so much effort to keep them with him, each and every one. He hadn’t ever mentioned it. Had he been too worried about Hell finding out to just keep the first one going?

Except Crowley had completely denied knowledge of Herbert, he hadn’t cared at all when Aziraphale gave the rabbit away.

Aziraphale put the rabbit back and took his ice-cream to the back room. He wasn’t going to solve the mystery by himself. Although it was going to be an awkward conversation, for a start he had promised Crowley not to look in the freezer. Crowley seemed concerned as Aziraphale wandered over and sat next to him, he put his phone away.

“Something wrong?” Aziraphale held up the ice-cream in explanation.

“I thought I would put the ice-cream in your freezer and well, I opened it,” Crowley’s face turned scarlet. A mad scramble for his sunglasses did not hide how his pupils had blown wide in response.

“I can explain.”

“You could have told me you had pets. It’s not something to be ashamed of.” Crowley shuffled away from Aziraphale.

“They’re not pets.” Aziraphale set the ice-cream down and pulled Crowley after him into the kitchen.

“Crowley, you can deny having pets all you want. You obviously cared for these rabbits to still be holding onto them.” Aziraphale’s words didn’t seem to comfort Crowley: if anything, he seemed more embarrassed. “I am sorry about Herbert. I would never have dreamed of giving him away if I knew how much he meant to you.” Crowley straightened the rabbit Aziraphale had picked up and closed the freezer.

“They’re not pets. It’s a,”

“Crowley, there is nothing demonic about having a freezer full of rabbits.”

“It’s not exactly a demon thing.” Crowley was looking everywhere but at Aziraphale, which while not promising, was a clear sign Crowley was trying to be truthful. “It’s a snake thing.”

“A snake thing.” Aziraphale repeated. Crowley nodded and leant back against the counter clearly waiting for Aziraphale to work out what he meant. Which was ridiculous because rabbits would be terrified of,

“You were going to eat poor Herbert!” Crowley nodded silently, cheeks flushing pink. “Why didn’t you say so?”

“I dunno, you’d resurrected my breakfast and asked me what its name was. It’s not like it’s something I was planning to mention.”

“Crowley, did you leave a dead rabbit in your kitchen while you had a nap to _defrost it?”_

“They taste all charcoal-y if I do it the fast way. And they’re awful frozen, all angles getting stuck and,” Crowley trailed off and seemed to swallow the rest of his review of different rabbit eating experiences.

“So you have a freezer full of dead rabbits that you defrost and then eat when you get peckish?” Crowley looked close to giving up on the decade and napping, but responded nonetheless.

“I know. It’s well, demon-y. Sorry.” Aziraphale opened his mouth to respond and then closed it with a frown. Crowley hadn’t mentioned that his freezer was full of snacks because he was ashamed of it. He thought Aziraphale would find it distasteful in some way.

“That’s not what I meant, my dear. It’s perfectly alright.” Aziraphale thought back to the day he’d discovered Herbert. “I did wonder why you stole so much of my lemon meringue pie when we reached Tadfield.”

“Ngk,” Crowley stated eloquently.

“Why rabbits?” 

“Anything bigger takes too long to swallow.” Aziraphale tried very hard to think of any non-licentious way to interpret that statement. He failed.

“I never thought I would hear bad things about your ability to swallow...”

Crowley gulped, appropriately, and waited for Aziraphale to reel back in disgust.

A long pause followed.

“Can I have a corner for my ice-cream?”

* * *

[1] Very much used by both of them, even if not for sleeping.

[2] Aziraphale didn’t remember wrestling looking quite like _that_.

[3] Admittedly, covering it in books had worked until Aziraphale felt like reading one of them.

[4] It remained to be seen how often Crowley would be able to distract Aziraphale in this way before the Angel realised. Also awaiting investigation was if Aziraphale would put a stop to it once he did realise.

[5] This was coincidentally after Aziraphale had gotten rather immersed in a book, and forgotten that his affogato needed reminding to melt at a convenient speed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Mraowface for being a demon with the commas.
> 
> I swear I don't keep dead animals in my freezer. They can't decompose in there.


End file.
